Skip to content

Introduction to the LAVIA path of life and grief model

Translation by Imke Finke-Hatscher, proofreading by Anja Schmidt-Ott and Jane Pope

The center - a butterfly

The LAVIA path of life and grief model has been evolving since 1991 as the culmination of my pedagogical work in practice and the transmission of my grown specialised knowledge.

As both an elementary educator and lecturer it is important for me to make complex topics experientially understandable for everyone and such continually adapting them to the latest knowledge and the developed status of experience.

Every person – of any age, with or without impairment, of every gender, religion or nationality – possesses the ability to grieve. Grief does not distinguish according to worldview or cultural background. I am passionate about ensuring that grieving people in times of crisis not only experience the help provided by others as beneficial but also (and most importantly) understand grief models themselves so that they can act self-responsibly.

In applying my model and reflecting on the experiences I have made with it, I realised, that it is not just about understanding grief better. This model also helps to integrate other significant moments in our path of life, such as a new relationship, starting a family or have children in life, caring for elderly parents, being promoted or dismissed and a lot more.

That is why I called my model „Path of life and Grief model“.

The central point: an open hand and a butterfly

At the center of the LAVIA life path- and grief model is a hand, from which a butterfly arises. This open hand symbolizes my understanding of what it means to accompany people through the grief process, representing both the offer of support to the bereaved and the bereaved themselves. With the palm facing upward, past experiences can be released gently rather than cast aside. At the same time the hand is also able to hold, to carry or to accept what needs attention. It is a powerful image of a new openness towards all that life continues to offer. Every butterfly develops from a caterpillar that has already traveled an entire distance before pupating. It then spends some time in its cocoon, which represents – for me – a fitting symbol for the period that people have to live through in painful situations of loss: darkness and uncertainty determines their emotional state. Yet it is precisely then in this apparently frozen state that the caterpillar renews itself and – being transformed into a butterfly – it pushes itself und effort out of the cocoon to engage with life on a new level. The butterfly symbolises the process of transformation and one’s own unfolding after a loss and life crisis. With a renewed zest for life the path continues from the center with a new sense of purpose and new goals – into a further labyrinth. And we can assume that people there too will likely once again encounter gains and losses; with which they must come to terms, will lead them to further challenge and through which they are such transformed anew.

A model on three levels

LEVEL 1
LEVEL 1
LEVEL 2
LEVEL 2
LEVEL 3
LEVEL 3

The LAVIA path of life and grief model is composed of three layers:

  • a landscape
  • a labyrinth (or maze)
  • and six colors, each associated with key tasks in the human life journey ; with or without grief.

The first level of the LAVIA path of life and grief model presents a diverse landscape with lots of symbols:

Deserts, springs, boulders, mountains, fields, swamps, forests, flowers, tunnels, lakes, boats, swings, bridges and many more. These symbols encourage us to position ourselves in the actual life situation and to align the external landscape with our own inner soulscape. The landscape offers observers the opportunity to recognize, classify, and express in words their position both before and during times of grief or crisis.

Practical examples

Thomas for instance identifies how his life situation was before his partner’s death on the landscape level: „The path was already very challenging due to the illness, but on top of that my employer placed additional stones in my way .“

Julia is grateful for sources of energy such as hobbies or short breaks before her husband’s death. In addition she feels glad about her circle of friends which she symbolises with the image of a circle around a bonfire.

Merve places herself in the marshy terrain, because she had already lived through a stressful time prior to the separation of her partner, which was caused by her two children reaching puberty. One of her daughter chooses a shelter as a symbol, because she feels grateful for her mother’s closeness. The other daughter claims her best friend as a source of energy, with whom she is able to talk about problems.

These concrete examples from family bereavement support demonstrate that even people who are close – such as family, friends or communities – who are apparently experiencing the same loss, can perceive and feel differently about their place on the ongoing path of life. The symbolism in the landscape enables a meta-perspective on one’s own life journey.

Placed over the landscape is the second level of the LAVIA model: a labyrinth path. The symbols from the landscape shine through and merge into the labyrinth path. The labyrinth can stimulate us to think about the way we have developed , whether we are „being at the drop of a hat“ or „ going round in circles “ and can bring us into a process of reflection and get us ready to talk about it.

The path through the labyrinth has already been used since ancient times as a spiritual symbol for human life paths. It differs from a maze in that there is only one path – you cannot get lost in it.

When you look at the labyrinth in its original symbolism its twists make it clear that life rarely proceeds in a straight line:
there are stretches before inscrutable curves, unexpected courses that are sometimes pleasant and sometimes unpleasant, and one experiences a felt or actual closeness or distance to the center.

EBENE 1EBENE 2

The LAVIA path of life and grief model does not claim to illustrate an entire life. It rather demonstrates a segment on the path of life. From the broken heart at the beginning to the butterfly and open hand at its center. This stretch has a beginning but also an end. And within the process of grief transformation occurs. The goal of working with the grief is to enable a life with confidence, new (life) perspectives and without damaging pain. This applies to personal, everyday, social and spiritual aspects. The emotion of grief and of regret is allowed to remain and to emerge wherever it is necessary for our life. Grief belongs to our human experience and is as valuable an emotion as joy, anger, fear and many others.

The labyrinth of the LAVIA path of life and grief model differs from other labyrinths in that it is not exited via a “return path.” Life always moves on, heading forward – nobody is able to walk backwards on the path of life. Even apparent standstill and „going round in circles“ belong to a continuing process. Sometimes, those in mourning find themselves treading in place—circling repeatedly around a thought, a feeling, or a situation. For example, the “roundabout” in the labyrinth represents this.

As everything that lives and just „is“ becomes older with every second, so does life advance with time. And no matter how different the labyrinth paths of individuals may appear—how winding or long they are—the common thread is that in the process of walking, change takes place, more or less consciously experienced. For anyone being on the way in the labyrinth, one is always moving towards the goal– regardless of whether the centre is felt as near or far away.

In the meantime the walkers in the labyrinth sometimes move away from the centre again, which can feel like a step backward on the grieving path. However such routes are not regressions, but instead they eventually lead even through a painful or challenging period to another step forward.

Despite these occasionally difficult moments in, there will be – from time to time and eventually more and more often – valuable times and altered normalities. People begin to sense that sorrow and pain over loss will not permanently define their future path. They allow themselves to make new plans and to look forward. They continue on their journey with grief, which sometimes recedes into the background. The courage to face life with gratitude can grow in such moments. Yet grief will always reassert itself when necessary—reminding us that grief, too, has its place and time in our lives.

Practical examples:

A couple, whose only daughter died aged thirty, initially rejected the grief support, finding comfort in their faith, family and circle of friends. But two years later they noticed that something has changed. After the mother’s sister became a grandmother, the bereaved parents mourned the loss of their only daughter very intensely – and also the pain over their potential unborn grandchildren. They, along with their relatives were puzzled, believing they had already made significant progress in processing their grief. Yet by mapping their experiences onto the LAVIA Path of Life and Grief Model, they recognized that, despite this renewed pain, they were in fact closer to their goal than they felt at that moment.

When Luis´ father died he was four years old. Initially his mother believed that her son was not sad because he did not show any signs of mourning. Two years later Luis began asking questions about his father and cried now and then in certain moments, when he missed his father. „Soon he will have got over the loss“, his mother hoped and believed that Luis would then not be sad anymore. But as Luis grew older, his cognitive development made him increasingly aware of the absence of a father.

The entwined ways of the LAVIA path of life and grief model made it clear for the mother that the loss of his father will be significant for her son’s whole life. Only when Luis gradually understands the full dimension of the loss—and is allowed to grieve—will he emerge stronger from the experience.

Paul, whose child died, discovered through the labyrinth, that he needed periods to rest, to reflect and to reorientate himself. Sometimes it felt for him like falling back, as if he had lost skills and security. Using the labyrinth he came to understand that even in these moments transformation was gradually occurring within him – he was not moving backwards but was progressing step by step .

Kathrin told her kindergarten teacher that the fact that her daughter Carla was wetting her bed again did not mean that she had regressed to being a baby. Rather this behavior is a temporary symptom caused by the birth of her little brother. Through the labyrinth it became clear to Kathrin that her daughter „wins“ in this new life situation a brother but as well „loses“ attention – and so experiences an up and down of her emotions. By referring to the LAVIA Path of Life and Grief Model, Kathrin recognized the course of a crisis that appears necessary for adapting to the changed life.

Life rarely unfolds on a single smooth level, it can take us up and down, with physical or emotional responses that vary over time – for „little“ and „big“ people in a different way. Acknowledging this perspective can be invaluable for healthy development.

The symbols

The broken heart

The broken heart at the entrance to the labyrinth symbolises the suffered loss – no matter what kind of loss it may be. It also stands for the various injuries and break downs, disappointments or shattered ideas, which accompany the path of life.
People who have to endure a severe loss experience a mostly unwanted and drastic change of their path of life. A lot of them say: „The world stays still for us while for others the world moves on unchanged.“ They start measuring time in a new way and talk about the „before“ and the „after“ of the loss. Somebody or something beloved has been lost for them and does not return. Often it feels like the heart will break. And there is a profound fear that it may never heal again. Yet if grief, joy and all other aspects of a meaningful future are embraced – and if one allows the necessary time – then the heart can grow and mend. It will be different from what it was before, but – much like a physical injury – normally no open, inflammatory or painful wound will remain.

What remains is a scar, or – one can assume over the course of a lifetime – several scars. They remind you of experiences endured and mastered. And they make us as more tangible and empathetic as human beings.

Other symbols

The other symbols, which are pictured next to the LAVIA path of life and grief model, can be mentally integrated in the labyrinth way according to one’s life situation. They stimulate us to reflect or engage in dialogue: which symbol expresses my past or my present emotional experience or life situation on the already gone or on the actual way? Which symbol illustrates a sorrow or a wish for the future?

You can ponder about every single symbol: what does it stand for? Does it fit on your own way? Can you, for example, set up a „goal flag“ to signify „partial objective achieved“? Should it be placed right at the beginning or after a long strenuous hurdle or more often? Could a paragraph sign (§) serve as a symbol for potential issues of guilt or blame? Might the candles mark a day of remembrance? What can hands reveal about building up or breaking down a relationship, or future relationship changes? Do religious and spiritual aspects play a role or can a fitting symbol spark a conversation about them? Do the pictures of the landscape fit your own way or should, for example, the roundabouts, stones, flowers or mountains might need to be repositioned to other places?

The labyrinth way and the symbols act as bridges, enabling us to discuss our paths of life despite all our differences, as they offer shared experiences: almost no life path is perfectly linear. Nearly every journey involves highs and lows, light and shadow. If you lay the first levels of landscape and path of life on top of each other it becomes clear: every segment of the journey can carry some specific characteristics. Some aspects we anticipate, while others catch us by surprise. We encounter fellow travelers who join us for segments of the way. Others are at our side for the long-term, always in sight or within range of call. Still others cross our path, say goodbye in a loud or quiet way or disappear seemingly into nowhere.
Every now and then it is helpful to pause for a moment, to look at ourselves and the environment; and to reflect on the paths, hurdles, and ascents we have already overcome. It feels good, when companions offer breaks or fortification – reminding us that we keep moving step by step towards the goal, as long as we do not remain stuck in one place. The grief about the loss of someone or something loveable may stay with us for a lifetime. It cannot disappear as it is intertwined with love and to our own personal history. However our grief may – like other feelings – change and make space for other emotions that we need in the long run. At the same time, these newer emotions may step aside for grief whenever it must take center stage.

Practical examples:

When asked which symbol suited her best, 25-year-old Paula looked at the symbols in the LAVIA path of life and grief model and chose the bed. Since her brother’s death she has had trouble falling asleep and staying sleeping.

„At the beginning I retreated into a snail shell, which is why I chose that corresponding symbol“, Karl explained. And then he continued: „ But now I would pick the compass, because I am looking for new goals and reorienting myself after my divorce – even in my career.“

„I am here today with the lightning.“, said 10-year-old Kaan. „Dad is always nagging me. Mom was way nicer!“

The third level lays six colours over the landscape and the labyrinth way with its symbols. Each colour carries a specific meaning and, in its diversity, represents the various aspects, situations and tasks in the LAVIA path of life and grief model.

The labyrinth – with its symbols and colours – illustrates that it is about practising comprehension of acceptance, engaging with changes and relationships as well as in feeling diverse and opposite emotions such as joy and sadness – as soon as, and for as long as, they are needed. We experience this in many loss or „gain“ life situations. Depending on the individual, their environment, and their encounters, spirituality may play a clear, fluctuating, or even no role in these tasks.

The way of the labyrinth crosses through the colour sections again and again. This makes it evident that grief and other emotions cannot be worked through in rigid phases, but have to be lived through in individual processes.

The tasks in the grief – which the colours stand for – are not static in life, but they can change, flow into each other or overlap in their sequence and amount.

This and much more is meant, when we speak about mixed or contradictatory feelings! These colours visibly express that the journey of grief does not occur in fixed stages, but flows in continuous transitions, interspersed with abrupt changes in life circumstances, thoughts, emotions, and grief tasks—and these patterns can repeat if necessary. In short, grief is a process that does not follow a predetermined, linear sequence of defined phase.

The meaning of the colours

Moving on and functioning

Orange symbolises the blatant non- or extreme functioning in times of loss: eating, drinking, breathing, sleeping, getting up, working, organising, meeting people, and so on. In the LAVIA path of life and grief model orange appears just once and is consciously positioned like a signal at the very beginning of the crisis period. When a familiar order is turned upside down, functioning often sets in initially, as if nothing life-changing has happened.

This functioning is for many an automatic survival strategy: feelings are minimised in order to be capable of action. Some individuals just move on as long as they do not yet realise what significance this crisis has for their life – without choosing this consciously. Later they may wonder how they managed to function in this extraordinary situation. However, it is not a functioning in the sense of a permanent, conscious adaptation to change or a gradual acclimation to circumstances; rather it is a mechanical reaction that attempts to restore an old order that no longer exists.

On the other hand other people, quickly grasp – or at least sense – that a catastrophe or upheaval has occured. So they function out of a sense of responsibility, ensuring both their own well-being and that of those entrusted to them. When life seems to be falling apart, then functioning perhaps keeps them grounded and gives them a sense that life continues to move on smoothly for the time being and that necessary tasks are accomplished. Also due to shock or fear of change, many people react in crisis more functionally than emotionally.

Phrases like: „Life goes on!“, „ I have no choice!“, „Stop whining and do something!“ or „Eyes closed and through it!“ are common expressions that signal the activation of automatic behaviors meant to secure continued living.

„The children or the adolescents do not need any help, they are completely unobtrusive“, is something you hear frequently after a loss like a separation or death and they are praised for how bravely they cope. Yet exactly this seeming inconspicuousness within a significant crisis can be an (un)visible reaction to both a lack of understanding and an overeliance on functioning. For many in our society it is highly valued to function flawlessly in everyday life at any time while not letting be noticed that you have to cope with difficulties.

However, such excessive functioning can be harmful in the long run because it stifles vivid emotional expression, the processing and developmental aspects of grief, and ultimately, the possibility for new beginnings.

On the other hand you can experience functioning very differently. There are people who – as a start – rest after a difficult time and allow themselves to take a breather after the burden of disputes, illness or a severe ordeal. They no longer have to function in their old role and deliberately allow themselves time off: so they can catch their breath, recharge their batteries and rebuild their daily life. They are doing this consciously without later questioning themselves how they managed to do it.

A sentiment as „ I am not as sad as I expected to be“ can evoke thoughts of guilt among mourners or the social environment, or can even lead to misunderstanding.

In such cases everyone needs a comprehensible explanation to orient themselves. Such an experience can have various causes: an automatic survival strategy, a deliberate repression of unpleasant feelings, the necessary adjustment or recovery in children and dependent individuals, recovering from an extreme situation, taking medication, shock or the sheer incomprehensibility of the situation and its magnitude.

Children often adapt by simply „going with the flow“. They frequently have to function as they are not yet capable of making independent decisions or living on their own. Teenagers rebel perhaps and look for loopholes that allow them to temporarily escape their grief situation. This too is a form of functioning: They want to live and continue their normal life as teenagers – with parties, music and all that goes along with it – while ignoring the sudden hurdle. Many adolescents have not yet learned how to cope with crises or grief reactions in their earlier life before and they do not have any idea how to react. So they may only later find that their academic, psychological, or social performance suffers, at which point they consciously begin the mourning process. And only then do they start the process of mourning consciously. Until then these teenagers simply carry on as before. Albeit by repressing what has happened and thus they enter extremely slow the crisis management and grief process.

Some adolescents and adults develop in this time an obsession with order or cleaning, still others sleep a lot, feel restless or party persistently, dance, get high, fill the emptiness with excessive material or sexual satisfaction. Extreme sports, extreme work, extreme studying for school or university, lethargy, self-harm, excessive PC consumption or obsessive spending, persistent silliness or taking on care work in the family system far beyond what is typically expected and inappropriate for their age or situation – all this can represent repression mechanisms and forms of expression for functioning. Complications arise when such functioning remains unexamined and long- lasting, thereby hindering true grief work. Just as with children and adolescents this process can also be activated with adults at a later point of time with increasing possibilities and resources.

Over time, seen over weeks, months or years, for most people therefore the initially perhaps stark (non) functioning during and after a crisis will adjust to the further life conditions and become „normalised“. There are likely to be situations – like before the loss – in which the person more or less functions in stressful situations. The colour orange, which appears only once in the path of life and grief model, indicates that extreme survival-oriented functioning differs from the more deliberate coping strategies developed earlier or later.

Practical examples

Nadine, a young widow sought grief counseling for her two primary-school- aged children. For herself she declined support. Unconsciously, she channeled the energy needed for processing her grief into other tasks—sorting paperwork, changing her job, and caring for her children. „I had to function just to cope with daily life “, she said. „If I would have given room to my sadness, I would not have managed everything else that needed to be done .“, she knows in retrospect. Only three years later, when her children were dealing more confidently with the loss of their father, did she consciously seek bereavement support for herself.

15-year-old Simon, previously an average student, improves all his grades by studying obsessively every day.
He does not want to worry his mother after the loss of her father and his father figure, to distract himself from the loss and at the same time to give his deceased grandfather a reason to be proud of his grandson. The mother, who suppresses her feelings as well, is surprised that Simon apparently does not mourn. Only through conversation are they both becoming aware that they both try to protect each other and therefore continued to live in a similar way as before, functioning as if the death of the father and grandfather does not have any impact on their lives.

To comprehend

Green stands for comprehending the loss. Both emotionally and factually, people begin to understand—step by step—what this crisis means and how it affects their lives and their very selves. This understanding can be a relief if a time of worry and burden ends with the death. Often, however, it is painful in times of loss. For instance, when a bereaved person picks up the phone only to realise that no one will pick up the receiver at the other end of the line.

Our capacity to mourn is limited by our level of cognitive development. If a persona has a mental or emotional impairment this process of comprehension can be delayed, reduced or at least made more difficult. Children, for example, only gradually come to understand – through the natural maturation of their brain – that after the loss of one of their parents they did not only loose their mother or father as a person, but they also lost the quality of motherhood or fatherhood forever.

Bit by bit they will experience – due to their ever growing understanding for the connections – additional layers of grief processes well into puberty.

The labyrinth ways in the LAVIA path of life and grief model run repeatedly through the individual task areas. Illustrating that new understanding can occur at every turn.

Practical examples

Karin, a 50-year-old woman, mourns ten years after her husband’s death that she cannot celebrate her silver wedding like her friends do. This day of remembrance makes her aware of his absence in a new way.

Melanie und Bernd only come to understand years later – when their friends become grandmother or grandfather – what they were deprived of due to their unwanted childlessness. In that moment they mourn about the loss of their grandchildren that never existed and never will.

Tobias realises after his son´s school graduation that he – despite his initial deep doubts about managing everyday life as a single parent after his wife’s death – that his life is proceeding well again.

The winding labyrinth in the LAVIA path of life and grief model illustrates that fresh comprehension can always take place and at every bend a new process can be initiated. Nobody should deny a bereaved person’s temporary pain of loss due to statute of limitations for example by saying „You must have understood it now!“. Grief emerges when needed and recedes once we have arranged ourselves as best as possible with the situation.

Additionally, positive realisations can take place as well in the period of mourning. Anything is possible – from not fully comprehending the crisis at all to experiencing everything as understandable.

Acceptance

Violet signifies everything that has to be accepted over the months and years after the loss, so that a good continuation of life can come into flow. This includes among other things the forever-altered grief reactions of those around you, a new language, perhaps a new partnership or the thought: „It is what it is – I couldn’t have influenced this happening, either before or after the fact“.

For many, the question of why plays a big role. They are searching for factual, logical or meaningful contexts, seeking acceptable answers to this question of meaning. Others on the other hand acknowledge the separation, death or farewell and accept the facts as they are. Yet not railing against the loss does not mean that sadness is absent. Some bereaved initially refuse to accept an impending death, a separation or the loss altogether. They manage to function to some extent – they have grasped the significance of the loss in its many dimensions, giving space to emotions and designating a place for the loss.

Still, their life fails to flow because they internally shut themselves off from acknowledging that “it’s over.” Others believe that accepting the loss is a tantamount, a betrayal: „If I allow the thought that dad is going to die, then I am giving up hope.“ „If I stop asking why then I diminish the importance of the loss.“ They defend themselves against a changed way of living, lamenting that everything remains difficult as before and that those close to them withdraw.

Paradoxically both – acceptance and denial of the new reality – can lead to a new freedom of decision; when the desire arises to make the best of what is given.

In the LAVIA path of life and grief model a roundabout is visible in the violet area. It stands for situations where one merely spins around one’s own axis and can’t move forward. The roundabout also can be placed within any other color section, as roundabouts can appear at any stage of the grief process.

Practical examples:

Manuel three years a widower is dating with some women, whom he got to know via dating portals. In his grief group he says that he does not find one woman who touches his heart – even if he thinks she’s nice. He also recounts speaking to his deceased wife at her gravesite, asking her „why for god´s sake“ – she won’t be back. Only then does he realise that while he has understood her absence by passing so far, there is still a long way to go for him to accept it in all its consequences. With this new awareness he contemplates whether he might prefer solitude or perhaps a friendship instead of pursuing a new romantic relationship. Maybe he will grieve this experience once more in order to better accept another life decision.

Alexandra finds that after her husband’s death, her relationship with her parents-in-law changed. She realises that she no longer wishes to accept their intrusion in her private life. Therefore, she initiates a conversation with them and sets clear boundaries.

The 14-year-old Luise refuses to face the fact that her father has died. She imagines him to be on a business trip. Although she knows that he has passed away, she won’t acknowledge it for herself. When, three years later, her mother fall in love with someone new, she refuses to meet him, repeatedly saying: „Dad wouldn’t like it.“ Her grieving process, which has likely been circling in the roundabout of denial and non acceptance for years, only gradually moves into a new process.

The five-year-old Luca first throws his stuffed animals and then himself onto the floor, shouting repeatedly „I want dad to come back! Dad shouldn’t be dead!“. Only after a while does he allow his mother´s comforting presence. This reminds his mother of his tantrums as a two- or three -year- old, when he similarly refused to accept to put on a warmer jacket in the cold winter.

Plans which we made originally for our life are maybe losing their validity after a loss. The grieving task „acceptance“ is about facing life and challenges with all possibilities we have in view of this (unwanted) reality. Accepting the new situation does not mean endorsing it, but rather growing with what is possible – or even making the best of a difficult circumstance.

Many mourners denote this as one of the toughest challenges in their life, reconciling themselves with a new life situation they never wanted and seeking, at the very least, tolerable or even good solutions for moving forward. A possible goal is to make the best of the current situation so that life can continue in as meaningful a way as possible.

Diversity of emotions and feelings

The colour red in the LAVIA path of life and grief model stands for the diverse and contradictory feelings that surface during mourning. These emotions range from sadness, guilt, hope, emptiness, rage and courage to despair, powerlessness, relief and fear, all the way to longing, thankfulness and much more.

Grief is often perceived as a „bad“ and unpleasant feeling, because it is connected with a loss or a painful event. That can be the death of a beloved person but it can also be the end of a relationship, the loss of a job or another significant change in life. People often experience grief as burdensome because it is accompanied by intense emotions such as pain, longing and sometimes hopelessness.

It is important for me to emphasise that grief itself is not „bad“, but rather a natural part of human life. We are born with the ability to mourn – it is innate to us. Grief enables us to process loss and plays a crucial role in the healing process. It is normal to be sad when something is lost, and it is equally normal that after an experience of loss necessary errands, beautiful memories and joyful expectations gradually come back into focus again.

People are not permanently sad in times of loss, just as they are not consistently cheerful in good times. In both cases our mood always adjust to the respective situation and circumstances.

Not only in times of crisis does the richness of our emotions make us more resilient and flexible. Allowing and processing a range of emotions enables us to deal with our situation realistically. Positive feelings can strengthen hope and determination whereas negative emotions, such as fear or grief, serve as important signals of our needs. The variety of emotions allows for holistic coping and fosters personal growth and resilience.

In effect, this emotional diversity builds what might be called our “emotional musculature”—an ability to experience and process the full range of feelings from an early age, so that we can feel every emotion when it is necessary.

Practical examples

After the grandmother of five-year-old Pia died, her parents experience a sometimes weepy, affectionate but also angry and then again a seemingly carefree daughter. In their family bereavement support sessions they learn that, given her young age, their daughter can only partially grasp what her grandmother’s death means in many different ways – and her emotions accordingly.

„On top of the world, down in the dumps, whooping with joy, saddened to death“ this is how they describe their emotional situation: Lisa experienced these fluctuations after her divorce; Klara after the birth of her first child; and Thomas following the death of his husband. There are moments of lightness besides those of despair – and these sometimes quickly after one another. One moment it was enjoyable to sit with the friend in the beer garden – and then suddenly the thought appears, that actually the three of you would sit here together.

Change

In the LAVIA path of life and grief model, the colour blue refers to changes, which have been activated by a crisis. A separation, the loss of a beloved person or the homeland etc. often shatters many plans that once have been very important. Life circumstances change inevitably and are often connected with a personal development. To change means, in one or several steps, to let go of old or to create something new: sort out, set aside, let go, renew – while many things remain, everything becomes different. And this process is always accompanied by the big questions: „Who am I?“, „What suits me?“ and „What shall become?“

Crises frequently shift life perspectives and reset priorities.

Some people experience personal growth via a crisis. They become stronger and stronger and more resilient, because they confront the challenge head-on. Even traumatic crisis can enhance resilience, as some people can develop appropriate coping strategies for themselves whereas others are left facing long term psychological burdens.

Many search for a deeper meaning in their life, reflecting on their values and questioning their spirituality. Some seek consolation, comfort and guidance in a spiritual dimension, while others, disillusioned by their previous beliefs, turn away. Crises affect spirituality completely different from one person to another, often depending on whether experiences with religious institutions have been positive or negative.
Often priorities will also change in the social sphere: superficial social contacts fade into the background in favor of deeper, more meaningful relationships.
A Crisis can make families, relationships and circles of friends show more solidarity, increasing their levels of help and support.

It is important to note that social changes during crises can be influenced individually and by different factors. It depends on the type of crisis experienced, how the community is organised and what each person needs. For example, when comparing divorce and widowhood, the differences quickly become apparent: in cases of divorce you are confronted with loyalty problems, rituals of consolation are missing and grief is hardly socially acknowledged. Nonetheless social support remains crucial in every loss situation.

How one manages the crisis and the support available plays a key role in the process. Change requires new objectives, time, effort and confidence. One important question is how grief can be turned into a process of transformation and into personal growth. It is important to emphasise that not everyone inevitably experience change in the same way. A crisis may empower some while leaving others more affected by it.

Practical examples:

After the death of her husband Maria has to return to fulltime work, because – due to her widowhood – the money does not cover her costs of living. Her little daughter, Marla, now attends nursery school full-time, and Maria´s parents got a key to her apartment so that they can keep an eye on their grandchild until the mother comes home again after work. For everyone involved, significant changes were necessary to adapt to this new situation and to make life as conducive as possible.

On the fourth anniversary of his son´s death, Andreas notices that grief no longer dominates every thought, behaviour and emotion. Gradually he has changed himself, his social environment and with that his life as well. His search for meaning in his life embraces eventually comprehension, acceptance, variety of emotions, how he engaged with relationships and their setting – ultimately leading to a transformation in his outlook on life. His belief of a divine heaven, which he laughed at before the death of his child, has become now valuable and consoling for him after conversations with the hospital chaplain. After the separation from her partner and father of the children, Gina continues living in the family house, despite its need for renovation and although she is financially overstrained with it. She explains to her friends that she does not want her children to also lose the familiar surroundings, having had already their father move out.

Due to her circumstances and difficulties, she develops a depression. Her family doctor speaks about an adjustment disorder and recommends that in addition to debt, marriage and life counseling she should seek grief support.

Place for relationship

Yellow symbolises the place for relationship, the room that mourners dedicate to those who are missing, whether they are people, animals, objects, life forms, life dreams or places. What will remain in the forefront, either temporarily or permanently, and who or what will have a place by my side versus recede into the background? What may fade and what gets a monument? In place of the lived relationship, new forms and new places of connection often emerge: in the heart, in heaven with god or as a star, in dreams, treasure chests, stories, meditations, photos, strands of hair, in interpreted signs such as the appearance of feathers or butterflies, by getting tattoos, pieces of jewelry, observing rituals or by continuing a spiritual or material inheritance in a new way.

It is important that one does not feel pressured to continue someone else’s life work; or to compulsively keep the loss constantly in the foreground out of fear that the memory might vanish. It is possible to remain connected while still letting go. Just as the open hand at the centre of the LAVIA path of life and grief model opens toward the butterfly as a take-off and landing site.

The ever-expanding paths of the LAVIA model clarify that places and relationships will change and that your own life take on ever-new courses. Maybe the children’s room, in which the deceased child was once strongly felt, may eventually turn into a study. A photo that initially hung in a large frame on the wall might be replaced with a smaller one to make room for other important people and life event. A marriage bed gets new mattresses and the bedroom new decor, when a new partner moves in. The grave is no longer an everyday destination.

None of this means that the missing person is forgotten. Rather it demonstrates that changes such as new relationships or plans require new space. The love for the deceased and other significant losses is often preserved in an inner sanctum, influencing our continuation of life by memories of previous joint experiences and inspirations.
On memorial days or through other events these cherished memories can temporarily come back into the foreground.
So it can be considered that not those who have gone , but those who remain may determine the closeness or distance of their ongoing connection and the manner in which they grieve and continue to live.

Practical examples:

After the death of his wife Hubert hung an oversized portrait of his wife in the living room, which had stood next to her urn during the funeral. Also her jackets and shoes he left in the wardrobe as if she was still present in the apartment. Initially the familiar sight and scent of many objects were comforting to him. Gradually however he found them emotionally stressful, because it makes him constantly aware of her absence. Only when Hubert redesigned his apartment with a friend and replaced the large portrait with a joint holiday picture, did he sense an inner relief. The former shared apartment will now become a new home that still reminds him of his wife, but is not filled with her absence anymore.

Four years after the death of her husband, Andrea informed her children about having met a new man. When her children expressed their concern that their dad might be forgotten, she reassured them that he would always hold a fixed, unloseable place in her heart – just as they themselves will always have their own place there. For her new friend she is opening another „room“. She is convinced that the heart can grow larger through love.

When Max’s little sister dies, he is 9 years old. Everyone in his environment knows about this, because he is living in a small town where the family history is well known. In making the decision to attend a secondary school in another location, Max chooses to live with this part of his history more privately. Although his sister remains present in the house and he himself insists that her pictures stay on the wall, he now wishes to determine for himself, with whom, when and how to talk about her.

Walking the Path of Life and Grief –
Understanding, Supporting, and Growing with the LAVIA Model

The LAVIA path of life and grief model© is based on my current knowledge of grief processes and my experience with grieving individuals. Life crisis are as diverse as the people themselves. That is why we need well-founded offers of support that meet the requirements of different learning types. The „Practical book LAVIA life path and grief model“ offers images and symbols for visual learners, explanations and conversations for auditory learners, and complements the offer with songs and stories. Kinesthetic learners learn by hands-on activities such as movement and trying out, whereas the reading- writing learners internalise new knowledge by reading and writing. Since no one belongs to just one learning type, everyone can benefit from all the resources provided in the book.

With the prompt questions in the book I often used a figurative language to enable a new perspective in thinking and conversation. When many aspects of life fall out of balance, we need new and creative ideas and impulses. These may be thought „ outside the box“ and unusual, because much that is familiar may seem – or actually be – lost and askew. As we gradually adapt to the new challenges of life, things will eventually become balanced and liveable again.

The methods and impulses proposed in the book, are always presented in the context of the tasks outlined in the LAVIA path of life and grief model. It is important to continually relate these methods to the model and to let them guide by our conversations. Information strengthens and protects.

The creative methods and conversational impulses in this practical book can be used in bereavement work, therapy, pastoral care, lessons, one-on-one meetings and in preventive or acute situations. The selection of prompt questions can be adapted to suit individual life circumstances, different types of loss, the age of the group members or other factors.

All marked worksheets can be downloaded free of charge from my website
www.familientrauerbegleitung.de under „media“ section.

To live and thereby to learn means constant change. I do not claim absolute perfection in my work, as that simply does not reflect the reality of life.

My ideal is that many people come to understand the necessity of embracing all emotions, through conversations, questions, interest and new insights and that they contribute to the idea of family bereavement support – with the help of the LAVIA path of life and grief model.